The First Day of Biology Class in the Year 2015

by Dr. David Menton on January 2, 2006

The following article written by David Menton, Ph.D. (cell biology), Associate Professor (retired) of Anatomy at Washington University School of Medicine, St. Louis, Missouri (1966–2000), is really a spoof on the current situation regarding the creation/evolution battle in the secular school system. However, at the same time, what Dr. Menton has written could become reality if the secularization of this culture continues. You may smile as you read this article—but be warned: much of what Dr. Menton portrays is only an extension of what is happening right now in this culture. We print this as a wake up call to God’s people concerning the state of the nation and its future.

Welcome to your federally mandated biology class—“The Evolution of You by Way of the Zoo.” I am Miss Lead, I have a B.S. degree in “Evolutionary Indoctrination” and I will be your learning facilitator.

I especially want to welcome you students who are new to our Federal schools. I know that this has been a trying year for many of you and your families, but as you know, the Supreme Court has declared that homeschooling and all explicitly Christian schools are prohibited by law and that you must now attend a federally controlled school. I thank you for your willing cooperation. It is regrettable that some children had to be forcibly taken away from their uncooperative parents, but the Court has decreed that it is the State, not the parents, who are primarily responsible for their education.

It is required by law that we spend our first class period advising you of the legal rules and regulations governing both the definition of science and impermissible thoughts in the science classroom. As your facilitator, I myself must follow these regulations to remain on the federal payroll, and you must follow them to avoid being sent for mental deprogramming. So listen up! It is no fun having your memory banks reset to that of an artichoke.

First we will consider the legally mandated definition of science: The Supreme Court has declared that “Science is the study of everything in the cosmos that is real and involves the effort to explain the origin of all real things in exclusively materialistic terms.” The Court has defined the “cosmos” (i.e., material universe) in terms of Sagan’s law—“The cosmos is all there is, all there ever was, and all there ever will be.” Please note that the Court has left the entire realm of things that are unreal to the exclusive domain of the church. In this way that impregnable “wall of separation” between church and state, so wisely mandated by the framers of our Constitution, is not breached.

Next we must consider the two laws of “Unthinkable Thought” which prohibit certain thoughts and speech in the science classroom. To enforce these laws, the courts require that all classroom instruction and discussion in science be recorded for analysis on videotape and that all teachers and students submit to lie detector questioning by Federal Thought Police. Those failing such tests will be given one more chance to abandon their unthinkable thoughts before being subjected to deprogramming.

In the “First Law of Unthinkable Thought,” the courts have declared that “no student or teacher will be permitted to think, much less articulate, any thought that dares to question the dictates of evolutionary dogma.” While critical thinking and a questioning mind are essential to all fields of empirical science, such is not the case for evolutionism. The courts have found that atheists and “skeptics” never question the fact of evolution, while most criticisms of evolution, no matter how valid or scientific they might be, come from suspected “stealth” religionists and thus constitute the teaching of religion.

The “Second Law of Unthinkable Thought” (best known as the “Anti-Intelligence law”) declares that “no teacher or student will be permitted to think, much less articulate, any thought that something in nature is too complex and integrated to have been formed by random chance processes and to suggest instead that it reflects intelligent design or, God forbid, a divine Creator.” Educators have found that most students tend to think of the possibility of intelligent design when teachers give insightful, substantive and enthusiastic lectures on complex biological systems. Thus the law now requires that biology teachers must give superficial and boring lectures laced with evolutionary speculation on organs such as the eye, lest students be led astray by their intuitive recognition of intelligent design.

But why you might ask (but dare not) have the courts passed such draconian laws governing our very thoughts in the science classroom? The answer is really quite obvious. For years evolutionary dogma has been taught extensively in almost every class from first grade on, but surveys have shown that most students still fail to believe in evolutionism. Professional educators are amazed that even further increasing the quantity and intensity of evolutionary indoctrination has proven unsuccessful in producing true believers! Even worse, these unbelievers seem to have no difficulty in feeding back to us the required correct answers to evolutionary questions on examinations—indeed they seem to perform better than the true believers!

Surely you can see that it was time for the courts to intervene and require actual belief in evolutionism and not just indoctrination. The very survival of America, indeed the survival of the world as we know it, depends on it! After all, Dobzhansky’s law declares that “nothing in biology makes sense without evolution.” If students do not truly believe in evolutionism, it is a proven fact that they will be totally incapable of pursuing any field requiring scientific understanding. Thus they will be completely unsuitable as teachers, researchers, physicians, nurses, engineers, geologists, astronomers, farmers, lawyers, parents, news reporters, talk show hosts and popular entertainers.

Finally I will remind you that a federally mandated sticker known as the “revised Cobb County sticker” has been permanently affixed on the inside cover of your biology textbook declaring:

This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a fact, not a theory, regarding the origin of living things. This material must be approached with a closed mind, studied superficially, and uncritically accepted.

You are required by law to memorize this sticker and repeat it as a confession of faith before meals and each time you open and close the book.

Rest assured that all these laws forbidding unthinkable thoughts and requiring unquestioning belief in crass materialism and evolutionism have received the enthusiastic support of almost all the professional educational, legal and human rights organizations as well as from distinguished people of faith from nearly all of the major Christian denominations and seminary schools. Now, if we are all willing to comply (and of course, you are), let’s get started!

Is this the future we want? Answers in Genesis continues to proclaim the truth through this website, events around the world, resources like Creation Magazine, TJ and hundreds of books. Join with us as we work towards this future not being our future.

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Answers in Genesis is an apologetics ministry, dedicated to helping Christians defend their faith and proclaim the gospel of Jesus Christ effectively. We focus on providing answers to questions about the Bible—particularly the book of Genesis—regarding key issues such as creation, evolution, science, and the age of the earth.