Fathers, You May Be Failing Unknowingly

Most men’s groups and churches tend to focus on a select few common sins when it comes to fathers, but what about the more important hidden issues of the heart?

Accountability partners or apps can be helpful to keep men on the straight and narrow when it comes to their actions, depending on their weaknesses and vulnerability, but all of our actions flow from our hearts.

Guard your heart with all diligence,
For from it flow the springs of life. (Proverbs 4:23)

Give your heart to me, my son,
And let your eyes delight in my ways. (Proverbs 23:26)

And when it comes to matters of the heart, you need a deeper fix.

What do you like and dislike? What do you prioritize in your family? How do you react when your wife or one of your children damages the house or vehicle? What words do you choose to use in your speech toward people you know, your family, or people you don’t know—or people who have hurt you?

What about your thoughts? The thoughts that no one knows about but you. The thoughts you keep hidden and tell no one.

All of these questions have something in common. The condition of your heart is what affects each and every one. Everything flows from your heart:

But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, sexual immoralities, thefts, false witness, slanders. (Matthew 15:18–19)

Outwardly, are you avoiding the temptations that pull you away from God? Good. Every father should strive for righteousness in these areas. But it is not enough on its own.

What are you doing to draw yourself toward God?

• Are you attending a local church with your family?
• Are you working to provide for your family?
• Are you reading your Bible and leading devotions with your family regularly?
• Are you balancing the budget as best you can?
• Are you praying every day?

Even then, it is still not enough. All these actions are good to work toward as a father, but Christians need to understand that responsibilities are not what matters if you haven’t given your heart over to God. God often uses trials to bring about change in our lives. We, as fallible and sin-cursed humans, naturally seek comfort and ease, but God frequently uses these difficult seasons in our lives to expose our hearts and draw us closer to Him.

Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith brings about perseverance. And let perseverance have its perfect work, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4)

During these difficulties, you can know without a doubt that God is working in your life, so your response should be one of joy! Yes, times can be difficult and bring sadness, but there should be an inescapable joy of the Lord in our hearts.

Guard Against the Righteousness of the Pharisees

The Pharisees in Jesus’ day would have checked off each and every one of those responsibilities, yet Jesus said,

Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. In this way, you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness. (Matthew 23:27–28)

The importance of the heart is something that the Pharisees entirely misunderstood, as Jesus clearly points out in the Sermon on the Mount.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus gave the beatitudes that should define every Christian, and after he laid that foundation, Jesus clarified the purpose of the law, which the Pharisees so badly misapplied.

The Pharisees followed the letter of the law and then some, but their hearts were full of sin. Do you murder? Do you commit adultery? “Of course not,” you might say. Jesus said that committing sins in your heart makes you just as guilty before God.

You have heard that it was said, “You shall not commit adultery”; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 5:27–28)

You have heard that the ancients were told, “You shall not murder.” . . . But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court. (Matthew 5:21–22)

The point is our actions come from our hearts. This is why Jesus said, “Unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:20).

We need a heart change. We need to be pure in heart. For when we are pure in heart, we shall see God (Matthew 5:8).

Have You Given Your Heart Over to God?

When it comes to those sinful actions you are avoiding or those godly responsibilities you are striving to do regularly, why are you doing them? Are you doing them to avoid disappointing your wife or family or so you feel better about yourself?

Those questions expose a much deeper problem than just our actions: our hearts. Our hearts are sinful.

The heart is more deceitful than all else
And is desperately sick;
Who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9)

We are actually in rebellion against God. And it started in the garden of Eden. God is our Creator, and we are His children, and He is a perfect and holy God. He gave Adam a command to not eat fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 2:17). Our Creator God is our authority.

But Adam disobeyed a direct command from God. The serpent appealed to Adam and Eve to reject God’s authority and determine truth for themselves—to have the ability to “be like God, knowing good and evil” (Genesis 3:5). Rather than taking God at His word, Adam took matters into his own hands and ate the fruit.

The Ultimate Battle: Man’s Word vs. God’s Word

The ultimate battle is man’s word vs God’s Word. Satan questioned God’s Word, and Adam trusted himself over God.

That is the struggle that we deal with in this sin-cursed world today: trusting in our authority over God—the problem of self. We must die to ourselves and give our hearts over to God.

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. (Matthew 16:24)

The image of self permeates everything we do and even believe. Our sense of morality and justice can be distorted by self. The Pharisees took the law into their own hands and twisted it. They made it into their own image, but Jesus exposed them:

You hypocrites, rightly did Isaiah prophesy of you:

‘This people honors Me with their lips,
But their heart is far away from Me.
But in vain do they worship Me,
Teaching as doctrines the commands of men.’ (Matthew 15:7–9)

We often elevate our preferences, will, opinions, expectations, and traditions over God’s commands. How often are we judging our family, telling them what they should or shouldn’t be doing because that is what we think is right? We must die to ourselves, and everything we do must be rooted and grounded in Scripture.

We must die to ourselves, and everything we do must be rooted and grounded in Scripture.

Do you hunger and thirst for righteousness as Jesus states in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5:6)? Does learning about God and His Word bring you joy? Are you striving to glorify God in everything you do rather than glorifying yourself?

How Can We Be Pure in Heart?

The Sermon on the Mount is for Christians: those who believe in Jesus as their Savior. You cannot have a heart change otherwise.

First of all, seeking a life change is a process. How many hours of media do we feed into our lives and let affect us? Now count how many hours of biblical truth you feed into your life. Remember, you don’t just read or pray as a task, you need to strive and want to change, and to do that, you must understand what God has done for you.

Jesus provides clear standards for what we as Christians should be applying to ourselves, starting in Matthew 5.

Poor in Spirit

We are sinful before a holy God—each and every one of us. If we’re being honest with ourselves, we see that we constantly promote ourselves over God and over others when we really do not deserve anything. Yet God in His mercy sent His only Son to die on the Cross for our sins because He loved us (John 3:16).

Have you ever heard this phrase from children or even other adults: “It’s not fair!”? “Fair” according to whose standard? Was it fair for Christ to come die for us in our place when we deserved the punishment He received?

We need to understand the meaning of “poor in Spirit” and what it truly meant for God to forgive us. He is perfectly just, holy, and righteous, and His very nature demands judgment of sin.

Mourning over Sin

Yet, for those who believe in Him, all our sin is wiped away on the cross. And when we remember what Christ has done, it is easier to forget how others have hurt us.

When we understand our unworthy state before God, there is no other response other than to mourn over our sin. Being in this state should change us. We would stop defending ourselves or accusing others and change how we respond to others around us, such as our wives and our children. Do away with your preferences, will, opinions, expectations, and traditions and strive to be approved as unto God, not to elevate your own self over God and His Word. How often do we proclaim certain supposed truths as God’s when they are just our own opinions?

This state should lead us to one of glorifying God rather than ourselves in everything we do. Ask yourself this question for every situation that arises: “Does what I am doing or saying glorify God?”

Humility

This is the next logical step from mourning over our sin. Being humble is the opposite of glorifying ourselves. Pride comes from within. It does not always show itself externally. It begins with thoughts, and the only way to truly change this is to have a heart change. Let God work in your life.

Truly start seeking Him in your prayers, through reading His Word, and through learning from preachers and teachers. You (and those around you) should begin to notice a change in yourself.

Hunger and Thirst for Righteousness

Being in this state of “poor in spirit” should lead us to recognize everyone’s need for the Savior. It should give us a desire for His Word and righteousness. It is no longer a question of whether you will forgive someone, it is a necessity because you truly understand God and His forgiveness. When we are transformed by God’s forgiveness, we will desire to forgive others and see them come to Christ for forgiveness. If you are truly pure in heart, you will understand forgiveness.

Conclusion

This is only the beginning of what you need to know in your journey to becoming a stronger Christian and a better father. Continue to read God’s Word. The depth of His truth is vast. Our finite minds pale in comparison. I am learning that more and more. We are not perfect. That is why God sent His Son to provide the free gift of grace through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, and He rose three days later to show our debt had been paid and we could also rise again to new life in God’s family. And it’s why God sent the Holy Spirit to regenerate and sanctify us.

But you should have a continued hunger and thirst for more of God and His righteousness. Continue to ask yourself: “Where does my joy come from? Does it come from self or from God?”

Remember, the pure in heart shall see God. And never forget God’s call through Solomon: “Give your heart to me, my son” (Proverbs 23:26).

If you want a good resource to help draw you closer to God, I recommend Studies in the Sermon on the Mount by Dr. Martyn Lloyd Jones. It is how I have learned much of what I have written today. God gave him a unique gift to exposit Scripture.