Don’t Just Change the Tire

According to recent humorous posts on social media, people from the US West Coast are nice but not kind; people from the East Coast are kind but not nice. For example, if you have a flat tire on the West Coast, someone might pass by and say, “Oh, dude, so sorry that happened to you! What a bummer!” and move on. If you have a flat tire on the East Coast, someone might pass by and sarcastically say, “Dude, do you aim for potholes?” but then help you change your tire.

Unsurprisingly, West Coasters don’t appreciate the contrast, because kindness in this context is, well, kinder than niceness. And don’t we all want to be considered kind?

“In a world where you can be anything, be kind”—that’s the message I read every Sunday on the public-school billboard beside my church and regularly on bumper stickers, coffee mugs, and social media. This reasonable plea seems to be a distinctly biblical concept. After all, Ephesians 4:32 commands us to be kind to each other. Yet a simple scroll through social media and news feeds shows us that the world is anything but a kind place to live (unless you live on the US East Coast, apparently).

As followers of Christ who are called to love our neighbors, we must take a closer look at what kindness means to both Christians and the unbelieving world if we are to model biblical kindness well.

“Be Kind”

Various New Testament passages suggest that a mark of true Christianity is kindness. Perhaps the most instructive verse on the matter is found in Ephesians.

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

The word translated as kind in Ephesians 4:32 is the Greek word chrēstos, which means “fit for use, useful; virtuous, good.” According to Scripture, to be kind is to be both useful and virtuous.

Virtue

Virtue is moral excellence. Because morality is a system of values, the way in which we practice and perceive kindness flows from our understanding of morality.

To the unbelieving world, morality is generally founded on the consensus of the tribe or culture. According to the evolution story, humans learned that, while selfishness might benefit the individual for a time, the good of the tribe was ultimately better than the good of the individual because the individual benefitted from a healthy, altruistic tribe. This altruism sounds biblical, but in this worldview, morality is on an ever-sliding scale that depends not only on the needs of the tribe but also on the desires of the tribe.

We can’t trust our hearts to lead us to biblical morality.

Christians, on the other hand, are obligated to base their morality on the unchanging Word of God, which tells us how to please our Creator and treat others. God’s Word explains that because of Adam’s disobedience, sin entered the world, corrupting our natural inclinations. We can’t trust our hearts to lead us to biblical morality because our hearts are “deceitful above all things, and desperately sick” (Jeremiah 17:9). Following our own definitions of morality can lead to a willful rejection of God and his Word (Romans 1:19–23). But in his mercy and grace, God gave his commandments and wrote them on our hearts (Jeremiah 31:33).

Two different bases for morality require God-honoring believers to use discernment when deciding how to best live out that morality when practicing kindness. It requires us to know what God’s Word says, obey it, and walk in humility and wisdom through the help of the Holy Spirit. Otherwise, we can too easily adopt unbiblical thinking when we interact with others.

When they ask for kindness, many people just want their desires affirmed, no matter how those desires might violate biblical morality. A recent prominent example showed up in the 2023 Oscar-winning sci-fi movie Everything, Everywhere, All at Once. The protagonist, Evelyn, defeats the negative forces of the multiverse by listening to her compassionate husband’s advice to “just be kind.” Evelyn then shows “kindness” by doing actions, some of which are virtuous—hugging her enemy, apologizing to a colleague she had wronged, and mending the fractured relationships in her family. But her other acts of “kindness” reveal the fleshly desires of sinful mankind—reconciling lesbian partners and fulfilling a man’s sexual fantasy. The answer to the movie’s big question—why exist when nothing matters?—is that we should make existence in a harsh world easier and more purposeful by making other people happy in whatever way they want.

In that worldview, it is unkind for someone to condemn or criticize any choice that might alleviate someone’s suffering or dissatisfaction in this difficult world. But to those who believe that embracing morality according to God’s Word leads to an abundant life, kindness looks quite different.

Useful

Jesus ended his earthly ministry by calling his followers to continue his work (Matthew 28:19–20). He invites believers to take on his yoke—a metaphor for his work—which is easy. That word easy comes from the same Greek word for kindness in Ephesians 4:32, chrēstos. Christ’s work is morally useful. Kindness—moral usefulness—is preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ and upholding the virtues of our faith, even when it offends the immorality of others.

Culture’s view of kindness allows people to continue living as they wish, even to their own detriment. As memes go, this is West Coast niceness—serving with words but not acting in kindness, and therefore not useful to the cause of Christ.

But on the opposite end, many believers have turned to self-righteous anger about the world’s immorality, ostracizing themselves from fellow believers they disagree with and neglecting to reach unbelievers.

To protect our hearts from both these ineffectual tendencies, we should turn our attention to the rest of the instruction in Ephesians 4:32: “tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Tenderheartedness is mercy. It was mercy that brought God into this world as the incarnate Christ (Ephesians 2:4–5).

Jesus did not affirm sinful behavior. In fact, he got to the heart of the matter, literally, by teaching us that our great sin is not our actions but the hearts they stem from—hearts that reject him. Throughout the Gospels, he invites people to come to him in faith and then “go and sin no more.” He came not to condemn but to save (John 3:17).

But in his mercy, God did not distance himself from sinful mankind after Adam ate the forbidden fruit. He could have killed Adam and Eve instantly or left us all alone to die in our depravity. Instead, he made a way of salvation through the forgiveness of sin (Genesis 3:15; John 14:6). It was the cruelty of Adam’s choice to decide his own morality that brought the kindness of God to the cross.

Kind or Nice?

Biblical kindness is kind in both word and deed—tenderhearted at all stops.

According to the West Coast vs. East Coast comparison, “niceness” is talk but “kindness” is action. Kindness might deride you for hitting a pothole, but it will help you fix your flat tire. This kindness might be East Coast kindness, but it is not biblical kindness. Biblical kindness is kind in both word and deed—tenderhearted at all stops. There’s a difference between telling truth and telling it with grace and discernment, letting “your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Colossians 4:5–6).

Ever our example, Jesus knew the appropriate way to approach every situation. He called the Pharisees a “brood of vipers” and turned over the money changers’ tables in front of the people whom the Pharisees were spiritually abusing. The Jews needed to see God the Son purge unrighteousness from the temple—to see him condemn religious leaders cheating people who were purchasing sacrifices and cleanse the temple in vindication of his Father’s righteousness. Jesus’ seemingly harsh actions were still based in the kindness that brought him into the world.

But when he met the cheating tax collector Zacchaeus, Jesus winsomely invited himself to dinner (Luke 19:1–10). When he encountered the woman caught in adultery, he spoke directly and mercifully to her: “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more” (John 8:11).

No matter the interaction, his motivation was the same: to love the people he was addressing and to glorify his Father. There was no formula to his ministry except to walk in communion with his Father and seek the lost.

It is the same for believers today. We are kind when we live according to biblical morality. We are kind when we boldly share the truth of God’s Word with the lost. But to be kind requires constant communion with our heavenly Father and listening to the Spirit’s leading to interact with individuals in love—sometimes changing a tire and holding our tongue.

Developing Kindness

There is no easy formula for being kind because relying on the Spirit means leaning on his guidance rather than our own understanding. Anyone can perform the lip service of niceness, but we must walk in the Spirit to develop the fruit needed to show true kindness. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control—these traits don’t come naturally to us (Galatians 5:22). They develop as we abide in Christ, spending time daily in God’s Word and in prayer, and humbling ourselves before both God and men as we count others more significant than ourselves (Philippians 2:3).