Widows Living Out Biblical Womanhood

The day progressed as any normal day. I picked up the kids after work, cooked supper, saved a plate for Scott since he always worked later on Mondays, and nursed the baby while his brother played on my phone. He answered his father’s call, letting our son know that he wouldn’t be home before he went to bed and that he loved him. It was 7:45 p.m. At 8:15 p.m., he was killed in a car accident on his way home. I woke up that morning a married woman, and I went to bed that night a widow.

Having grown up in church, I never once envisioned God’s will for my life to include being widowed at 35 with two young boys to raise. I found myself in an unfamiliar role within my family and church—that of a person needing to be served. I was used to being the person who took care of everyone else, the one extending the helping hand, not receiving it. I found myself and my children in a biblical category of people that I had not given much thought to—widows and orphans.

My experience had been that widows were all “old” women. As a child, my grandparents would take me with them to visit homebound widows of our church. My paternal grandmother outlived two husbands, both passing long before I was born. My maternal grandfather passed away when I was a senior in college, so upon graduating, I moved into my grandmother’s basement apartment so that she wasn’t alone. In my eyes, widows were my grandmothers’ ages.

Without my family and church, I would never have been able to navigate the terrain of widowhood and single parenthood on my own. After calling my parents and in-laws to tell them what happened, I distracted myself with cleaning the house. I had picked up no more than a few Legos when there was a knock at the door. My uncle, who lived the closest, was standing there with arms opened wide. My aunt showed up a few minutes later. I was ordered to go lay down while they took to cleaning the house in preparation for all the chaos and visitors that would come. I’m not sure who showed up that night while I was banished to my room, making the calls that I never thought I would have to make. Waking up the next day didn’t end the nightmare, but I wasn’t alone. My family and friends from church were right there with me, and my house had been cleaned and bedrooms prepped for my in-laws.

In the almost nine years since, my family, friends, and church have continued their support. It hasn’t been perfect, but nothing is this side of heaven. Over these nine years, the support from family and church has evolved. From Old Testament to New, the Bible is clear about the care the people of God are to provide for the widow and fatherless. This care is mainly financial. But in our modern age where women are less likely to be destitute after a husband passes, what does this care and support from the church look like?

Biblical Teaching About Serving Widows

God created marriage before sin (Genesis 2), so widowhood was not part of his original plan. Widows are by definition, then, in a situation that is a result of Adam’s sin and reflects the fallenness of creation. In the resurrection, marriage is redeemed by all God’s people being part of the church, the Bride of Christ. There will be no more marriage (Matthew 22:30), because the physical purpose of marriage (the multiplication of the human race) will have been accomplished, and we will be experiencing what the spiritual reality of marriage was looking forward to, our union with Christ.

Both the Old and New Testaments single out widows and orphans as categories of people who receive special care from God’s people.

Both the Old and New Testaments single out widows and orphans as categories of people who receive special care from God’s people. God even calls himself the father of the fatherless and the protector of widows (Psalm 68:5). In the Mosaic Law, God specifically states that widows are to get the same justice as anyone else. People who take advantage of widows are often mentioned as a particularly godless class of people. In the ancient world, a wife and children who lost their husband and father were uniquely vulnerable in a society without any of the social programs many take for granted today. If a woman did not have an extended family to help support her and her children, she could very quickly find herself and her children in a desperate situation.

In 1 Timothy 5, detailed instructions are communicated for how the church should care for widows. First, the widow’s eligibility for care should be determined. Is she a godly woman? Does she have family who can care for her? If there is family that can care for her, the financial responsibility should first be borne by them, not the church, so that the church can help godly widows who don’t have family to take care of them.

Today, we might add that if a widow has the ability to work and provide for herself and her children, the church should help her to do that. Many women in the church hope to be housewives, which is an honorable calling. But when a woman loses her husband, those expectations may need to be adjusted, and the church might find themselves in a position to help ease that transition. Does someone in the church have a business that might employ a widow who is a good worker but lacks formal job experience, for example?

How to Serve the Newly Widowed

In the aftermath of a husband’s death, there are so many opportunities for the church to minister to the widow and her family. Setting up meal trains, providing childcare, and even offering to provide hospitality to members of the family who are coming to town for the funeral may be ways to step into the breach. Most importantly, ask the widow!

As the weeks go by and life goes on, the needs do not go away. She may need help babysitting the kids, doing lawn work and house repairs, or even navigating how to pay the bills the husband was responsible for and how to manage the finances.

One of the hardest transitions can be going from being a wife to a widow socially. Facing church as a widow can be hard because of all the memories she has with her husband. She may feel unable to return to the same areas of service she engaged in with her husband. Women in the church can serve widows by reminding them that they are missed when they aren’t there, by encouraging them to serve again as they feel able, and by providing support.

Encourage widows to express their needs, and the church can look for opportunities to serve them and reach out. Women who are overwhelmed by navigating the loss of their husbands may not be able to respond immediately, and sometimes not at all, but even receiving those encouraging messages can make a difference. Don’t let widows isolate themselves. Hebrews 10:24–25 commands us not to neglect meeting together with the church, and those verses apply to widows as much as any Christian. Even if it’s hard to get out of the house, it is comforting to worship with the church.

While serving younger widows, don’t forget the children who have lost their dad. Men can serve children who have lost their father by being a godly male figure in their lives. Even after nine years, at my church, when they made an announcement about men’s breakfast and encouraged dads to bring their sons, I felt a pang as I realized again that there was another experience Scott would not be able to experience with his boys. I called up a friend in the church and asked if he could bring my boys with his own to the breakfast.

Pray with and for them, and don’t pressure them to plaster on a happy face.

One way to serve widows that many people are uncomfortable with today is just being with them in their grief. Let them tell stories about their husband, laugh and cry with them. Pray with and for them, and don’t pressure them to plaster on a happy face.

Not Growing Weary

Losing a husband is devastating to a family, and some needs remain long after a woman has become a widow. While women should be encouraged to provide for themselves and their children to the extent that they are able, the church should also be willing to serve long-term in areas where the woman continues to need assistance. If a mother goes back to work, she will need childcare when her children are sick. Her children, boys especially, will need godly men to help them mature in Christ.

Even my own experience as a widow has allowed me to serve others who find themselves in the same circumstance (2 Corinthians 1:3–4). When my father died, I was able to minister to my mom, who struggled with the loss. Without having gone through grief first, I would not have been able to comfort her in the same way.

What Not to Do

In the aftermath of Scott’s death, some well-meaning people did things that were unhelpful. One of the main instances was people encouraging me to remarry very quickly. At the funeral home, someone told me, “It’s ok, you can remarry.” Scott isn’t replaceable for me and my boys! My grandmother, not wanting me to spend years of loneliness like she did, gave me pearls for when I get remarried. It was a well-meaning gesture, but again, not all widows remarry.

While grief transforms over time, it takes longer for some than others. Take the opportunity instead to “mourn with those who mourn.” One person in my life, wanting me to “suck it up,” advised me to take antidepressants!

Also, don’t tell kids to man up, give them space for grief. Don’t tell the kids to take care of mom.

Finding Joy and Peace in God’s Sovereignty

Nine years later, life has gone on, and my boys remind me of Scott in some of the most surprising ways. They feel his loss and miss him terribly, even though my youngest has no memories of his dad. Men in my family and in the church fill the hole as best they can.

Tragedy often leaves the people affected asking “why?” I was no exception. Sometime during that first year, my back went out. I remember lying on my bed asking God, “Why? Don’t you know that I have enough?” I had an infant to set down and pick up out of the crib, not to mention all the other daily activities, like being able to walk, that I needed to do. I was once asked by a Christian friend why I did not give up on God. My response: Why would I? To whom would I go? Without God’s sovereignty, my husband’s accident would be a meaningless tragedy. My children growing up without their father would have no purpose. But God, rich in mercy, turns the bad to good (Romans 8:28). His divine purpose gives meaning to our suffering, so that is where I find my rest, comfort, and peace—in the arms of my Father’s sovereignty.