Raising Children Without Regret: Meditating on the Works of the Lord

Becoming a mother is like boarding a train that never stops moving. Think about it. When we first hold our little baby in our arms, we have likely been through a tiring pregnancy followed by what is often a high-drama birth. Rather than taking time to recover and regroup, we are immediately plunged into a world of sleepless nights and 24-hour duty. Hormones soon hit leaving mothers feeling weepy and overwhelmed, and while many of us know the joy of supportive husbands and family members, a good number of us do not.

It does not surprise me that there is a phenomenon of mothers publicly expressing regret for bearing and raising children. Internet articles describing this kind of remorse abound, and there are social media groups with tens of thousands of followers dedicated to the testimonies of parents who would do anything to turn back the clock and live life childless. In fact, between 5% and 14% of parents in so-called developed countries regret becoming parents in the first place.1 Reading the testimonies of women who regret raising children moves me. Motherhood is hard work. Most of us do not feel that we are very good at it, and to some extent, I can identify with the frustrations and tiredness these ladies feel because all mothers struggle at some point.

I believe we should care deeply about those mothers among us who are disappointed by motherhood, and the greatest love we can show these dear women is to draw their eyes to the Word of God. The psalmist writes, “Make me understand the way of your precepts, and I will meditate on your wondrous works” (Psalm 119:27). Since the land is all but void of God’s precepts, there is little truth upon which struggling mothers may meditate. It is no wonder that disillusionment quickly turns to regret. But the Lord remembers that we are dust (Psalm 103:14). He blesses those who find wisdom and get understanding (Proverbs 3:13), and we must search the Scripture to find God’s truth on motherhood.

1. A Secure Calling

The Bible is unashamedly pro-children. The first command to the first couple was to “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it” (Genesis 1:28). This command was repeated in a post-fall world to Noah and his sons after the flood (Genesis 9:1, 7). In Scripture, we see children are a gift from the hand of the Lord, and mothers considered themselves blessed when they conceived and bore children.

In Scripture, we see children are a gift from the hand of the Lord.

The Bible is also unashamedly pro-mothers. Proverbs 31 exalts the wife and mother who makes the home the center of her calling. Paul commands husbands to love their wives, and children are commanded to honor their mothers as well as their fathers (Ephesians 5:25, 6:1). In a fallen world, not every husband loves his wife, and not every child honors his mother. However, the principle remains that this is not how God intended it to be, and he personally cares for those who find themselves alone (Psalm 68:5). When Hagar was cast out into the wilderness with her son, she “lifted up her voice [to heaven] and wept,” and God saw her plight and ministered to her need (Genesis 21:14–19).

Regret is generally bound in the feeling that we have made a mistake somewhere along the way and we must grit our teeth and live with the consequences. I acknowledge that there may perhaps be some regret over the circumstances of a child’s conception, but the wonderful truth remains that once a woman carries a child in her womb, she is a mother, and when this mother chooses to serve God by raising her child, she can be confident that she is walking in obedience to the Lord. We do not need to spend the years we raise our children second-guessing ourselves. We do not need to ask ourselves whether we may have served God more usefully by not having children in the first place. When we walk a path that is exalted in Scripture, we may rest assured that it has been carved out by the King.

2. An Enduring Work

As mothers, we hold unimaginably small details in our heads. We know how each one of our children likes or dislikes his porridge, which particular toys are bound to cause conflict between two siblings, which children are overly sensitive to reproof, and which children brush off a rebuke and carry on down a certain track regardless. We instinctively know who has made their bed in the morning and who needs to be reminded. The attention to details that literally nobody else knows anything about can leave us feeling that our work is wasted and overlooked.

What we often fail to see is the bigger picture. When we raise children, it is with the hope that they will be the means of propagating the gospel. The psalmist writes that “one generation shall commend your works to another” (Psalm 145:4). Our unseen tasks of protecting, nurturing, instilling good habits, and sharing the gospel may continue to have an impact many generations down the line.

The great men and women of history all had mothers, and the fact is that we just do not know who we are raising. Some of our children will be in the history books of the future. Others will live quiet and godly lives, which are of great value in the eyes of the Lord. Some may turn away from God, but a great multitude will serve him, and the fact remains that, whatever the outcome, God is honored when we serve him in obedience.

3. A Certain Return

God blesses diligent work. The Apostle Paul said, “Whatever one sows, that will he also reap. . . . And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:7, 9). Paul is writing about Christians doing good to others and that work will always bring a reward, if not in this life, then certainly in the next. When the Lord appeared to individuals throughout Scripture, it was to those who were hard at work. The shepherds of Bethlehem were watching their sheep (Luke 2:8–9), Zechariah was serving as a priest (Luke 1:8–11), and Gideon was threshing out wheat in a winepress (Judges 6:11). God blesses work rather than idleness (cf. 2 Thessalonians 3:10).

Of course, raising children may bring sorrow, and godly parents may have children who rebel. Nevertheless, there is a precept, but not a promise, that God uses the means of godly families to raise godly children, and as a general principle, diligent mothers can expect to see a return for their hard work of raising children. The children of the Proverbs 31 woman rise up and call her blessed (Proverbs 31:28), and very many children grow up to be adults who have strong relationships with their imperfect mothers. This is true even though most of us raise our voices sometimes, cry at the end of long and stressful days, and become so lost in minute details that we forget to see the bigger picture. What is more, God’s blueprint for the biblical functioning of families is that our children will care for us as we grow old. Tender love shown toward children in their early years may well be returned as loving care in our sunset years.

Yet the principle of reaping what we sow is not put on hold until our children are grown up. It is difficult not to feel abounding love when we watch our children sleep, to rejoice at mini milestones, and to laugh at their funny sayings and ways. Few people will love us as unconditionally as our children do. Harsh words are forgotten in a few minutes, and even the absence of a few hours results in children running to the door or stretching their necks at the window to see a glimpse of a returning mother. Our absence will be missed; our return will be appreciated.

Delightful Boundaries

There is something glorious about seeing our work through the lens of the Bible. The world says that raising children is boring, laborious, and a waste of time. Pouring our energy into little children means that we are denying ourselves the greatest pleasures of this life, and if we believe that after death comes nothing, there is little incentive to spend our few years on earth surrendering our own preferences and liberties for the sake of a child.

But we have a higher Word. Where the world sees motherhood as outdated, underappreciated, and overrated, God sees motherhood as his own unique design. Who are we to regret what God has created? Why not warm our hearts to the Word of God so that we are able to say with the psalmist, “The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance” (Psalm 16:6).